a Real mess

Long time no post. Funny how I only come back when I need somewhere to vent. Things haven’t much changed since october. I decided to go back to therapy in february, and I got a psychiatrist. I’m apparently bipolar. amazing. all i wanted for so long was to get a label, for some reason I cannot fathom anymore. Now that I have it, I am terrified. What does this mean for my future? What does it mean for my present? I’m fucking terrified. This current mixed state, or so I’m told i”m in, is ruining my life already. I can barely function, let alone do the things I need to do to graduate. I cannot decide whether or not to tell my dad. Allen knows, of course. who could understand better? It’s just such a fucking bomb to have dropped on me right now. I’m scared to talk to the psych about it next week. I just want to be NORMAL, and now it looks like that may be slipping out of my grasp forever, because Bipolar is managed, not cured of course.

My legs hurt. My brains hurt. I want a smoke but I’m out. Richard Edwards (of Margot etc) came out with a new album and its good. Alt-J has new singles out that are good. I’ve been trying to branch out with respect to my taste in music. Been listening to childish gambino and chance the rapper and frank ocean, etc. I really love the mtoo. not as much as richard edwards, but that kind of love occurs once in a lifetime 😛

I don’t want to be still. I want to be typing even though I have nothing to say. or walking, or cleaning, or anything other than at rest. im tired but i dont think i’ll sleep for a while yet fml. tiredness is all physical anyway. mentally I’m as awake as ever . maybe if i try real hard i could fall asleep, escape consciousness. although i dont particularly hate it tonight. my anxiety is a dull roar compared to usual. it is all subsumed by unnatural motivation and happiness. hm, i wonder if i might be slightly manic 😛 or maybe this is what normal people feel like on a daily basis. wouldn’t that be incredible? to feel this way all the time?

 

Down but Not Far Enough

OD’ed tuesday night. if you can call it that. I’m so indecisive I couldn’t even decide if I really wanted to die. Instead I took a ~potentially~ lethal dose, but not certainly lethal. even with benzos and alcohol, it wasn’t enough. Obviously survived, but feel like shit. not really sure what i did for most of wednesday. i guess technically i’m still not totally in the clear re: liver damage, but whatever. it was a really stupid decision, because now that I’ve overcome the initial hurdle of just flat-out doing it, I have serious impulses to do it again. but for real this time. i just want all of this to be over. like i have little superficial things to look forward to, but, really, honestly, my life is a terrifying lonely void and i’m so, so sick of it. i just want to cease t oexist.

Journal Time

Yeah I’m the worst at online blogs. I switched over to a physical journal after my last post again. I’m afraid to keep physical copies of my thoughts now though. In a nutshell, I lost 40 pounds, binged back 5, losing again. Playing a dangerous destructive game of restricting/binging and purging. I wish I could stop, but really I also don’t. My feelings toward it vary, hour by hour. .My feelings about everything vary, hour by hour. I’m only 15 pounds away from that magical number, that 18.5. As if that would make things any better. I have 0 friends, 2 jobs, and a full courseload. I should be studying now, but I really cannot focus. I want to start posting here again, vent the thoughts that bounce around my head. Currently, I’m sitting in a beautiful little quiet area on campus, tainting it with a cigarette. But I feel at peace. three hundred and thirty two calories. I’m tired of the numbers, but the only time I am able to not count them is when I eat nothing. or when i purge, which happens far more often. I’m going to eat an apple before my next lab in 30 minutes. eighty calories. quick carbs that will hopefully get my brain working before I have to go deal with my stupid lab partners.

In regards to my last post, the therapist did not help. I could not bring myself to be honest – my fault. He did not make me feel comfortable about being honest – his fault. So that ended when the semester did, and I refuse to go back. I’m fine, this is fine, I do not want or need help. I am fine. The thought of ~getting better~ terrifies me. More accurately, the thought of a long life terrifies me. I did not want to be alive at age 21, but here I am. I will not be here at 31, that is for damn certain. I would be alright if I didn’t make it to 22.

 

Tokyo Ghoul Discussion

I’ve finally caught up on Tokyo Ghoul: Re and now I’m rereading both TG and TGrE. Being obsessed witht the series again makes me want to write analyses though. What especially sparked it was reaading a friend’s analysis of Kaneki’s character that I felt like completely missed the point, and was possibly influenced by how they feel like they relate to Kaneki so much. There are many many spoilers beneath the read more.

Anxiety

It’s honestly crushing me. A terrible start to the new year. Every single teeny little thing. And some big things too i guess. I came out to a few friends indirectly, made up with an old ex-friend, that kind of thing. But ive just had this clenching in my chest and worry worry worry in my brain for days now and i just want it to stop!!!

Not much else to talk about. I havent really been leaving the house or doing anything. I dont even think I’ve been playing our new video game in 2016 yet. allen and i have just been watching the office and friends endlessly. i think hes struggling right now too, well i know he is.

im just ready to go back to school and talk to a therapist. im so tired of living like this.

zzz

I haven’t been on here in far too long. This past semester I studied abroad in Ireland, which was… strikingly similar to my blog description, “full of extreme highs and lows”. I recorded all of it in a physical journal, but I think I really should’ve kept it online as well! My hand would get tired from writing and I would kind of become very brief about whatever i was talking about. I also refrained from talking about my mental state, as usually it was bad and i didnt want to bog down my travel journal with whinging. but, it was bad. i spent the entirety of november in a severe depressive fog, which … was bad. then i didnt sleep for most of december! which was also bad. it really fucked up my potential friendships though! i m still not sure whether i really hated the people i met or if that was the angry part of my brain talking. weird sleeping schedules and travelling a lot and mental illness really do not go together..

this has been a vent.

If This Were Tumblr, It Would Be Under a Read More.

(EDIT: i just found out there is a read more on wordpress L O fucking L) Which basically means I’m about to intensely vent and ramble about my internal thoughts, and you are by no means obligated to read this post. In fact, I would probably be way less embarrassed if you didn’t look at this at all (ew a double negative). I wouldn’t even be posting this here, but I’ve been trying to avoid having hard copies of things that could potentially freak friends and family out.

Also, I’m not going to adhere to the rules of grammar and punctuation! OoooOooh, scary! Stay away!!

You’ve been warned! (Also, please be trigger warned.)

Giving a New Meaning to Quitting Cold Turkey

Saturday marks three weeks of vegetarianism. It’s both easier and harder than I thought it would be! For one, other than mild cravings for chicken (caused mostly by feeling extremely hungry more than anything), I’ve had no issues with sticking to my commitment. (Compare this to last year when I tried. I failed within a week due to SEVERE beef cravings). I think this is because I’ve made a big effort to introduce new protein sources to my diet! I’ve been eating a lot of eggs/beans, and now I have a jumbo container of peanuts, and I’ve been having some every day.

On the other hand, do you know how hard it is to find good soup with no animal additives!? Soup has become a new obsession for me, and so SO many of the so-called ‘vegetable soups’ have chicken broth! (Notably, the ‘oriental flavor’ ramen has “beef extract”…. wtf?) I’ve been sticking to the rare vegetable broth vegetable soups, and I’ve found that most types of broccoli cheddar soup are vegetarian (thank god bc it is Heaven). It’s so frustrating though. Who would willingly eat the canned Progresso vegetable soup if they weren’t vegetarian? Just put some vegetable broth in it, for goodness sake.

On a deeper level, it’s really strange for me to be calling myself vegetarian. I used to be one of those (quite common) people who scoffed at the thought of never eating meat again (“Haven’t you ever tried steak!?”) but… my weird, overly compassionate, overly pacifistic streak has been acting up big time for years, and I finally gave into it. Not to mention, I had a huge internal conflict. How could I be so thoroughly disgusted by raw meat and still eat it when it is cooked?! The incongruity ate away at me. I was also really only eating meat 1-2 times a week before this, so it’s not That big of a change.

However, I haven’t decided if I’m going to tell my dad, or just eat meat when I’m at home. My sister has been vegetarian for nearly a year now, and I know that he thinks it is very weird. He considers me a big meat-lover like himself and my stepmom…. I don’t know…. I’m also hugely guilty/afraid to tell him for some reason, like I’d be disappointing him? I’m not sure why.

FInally, I’m also mildly worried that my vegetarianism will be considered/ is ACTUALLY a symptom of my recurring disordered eating… I’ve been having major issues since I’ve gotten back to college… but i’ll address that in another post.

Is there a world outside my room?

The title pretty much sums up my weekend/ today 😦 I’ve been dissociating so badly because I can’t handle the stress of classes/money/roommates/being sick/money/money/money im pretty derealized now actually. idk how to describe how it feels. I guess… it’s like my mind puts up a wall between my superficial thoughts and my emotions/analytical thoughts.. im just living on autopilot… no deep thoughts, no real emotions, just a stream of consciousness that bangs up against that wall and runs away. It feels like sometimes I physically cant break that wall to access my emotions or critical thinking… but when it does break i usually end up going hysterical or having a panic attack from the sudden return of stress/depression/worries… then it levels out and im just sad… then i get anxious and sad…. then the wall comes back up… great way to deal with everything isnt it?!

I also think im developing a germ phobia… ive been freaking out more and more and more, not to mention i got the flu this weekend so now im hyper paranoid that im going to get sick next time someone coughs on me////

well thats my stream of consciousness for the day,, it feels good to say that out loud (or to myself?? this doesn’t feel real)

Apartment Living

Hi! I’ve moved into an apartment for my sophomore year… and I have 3 random roommates… and I really really hate it. Well, not all of it. The apartment itself is really quite nice! And I love my room and the way I’ve set it up, etc. But… I really hate my roommates. It’s not entirely their fault, I don’t think I’m suited for roommate living to be honest. But I hate them! It’s mostly my anxiety talking, but I hate that I’m forced to try and carry on small talk (the true horror of human existence) in my own home! Either that or try to avoid them, which is hard to do 24/7, because one of my roommates likes to take over the kitchen island and do homework… which leads me to the other reason I hate having roommates. I’m not sure when or how this fear developed, but I truly cannot go to the kitchen and get a snack/meal while I know that this girl is out there doing her homework. I dont want to talk to her, clearly, but I also have this Intense fear that she is going to judge whatever i get to eat, or make a comment, or just… anything. As I type it out I can see how clearly irrational this is, but it doesn’t change how I feel It reduced me to tears last week bc she and her friend were doing homework in the kitchen, and I forced myself to wait 2 extra hours to eat dinner until they left. (I’m probably crazy.). But I won’t even go grab, say, some Goldfish or even a cup of water while she’ sin there, or while my other roommates are making dinner, or anything. But it’s not like I can ask her not to do her homework out there? I would sound fucking crazy I Know that. I don’t want to keep food in my room either because when its so close by I have zero impulse control… Speaking of which… she’s finally gone to bed. I’m torn between going to get another slice of pizza for dinner or just going to sleep because it is so late… Ah well, I guess you’ll never know if I ate or not, huh?